I woke up yesterday morning to a text that felt like a punch to the gut. A friend was telling me something I really needed to hear about myself, and I absolutely hated it. We all seem to value honesty until it’s directed at us. I wanted to go back to sleep under the blankets, not be seen, and certainly not have to deal with constructive criticism. It had hit me in a spot that was bruised, that had some scars from the past, and what should have been appreciated churned up my deep insecurities. We all have areas that are untouchable. Maybe because of pride, or maybe because of shame, but they’re there. Comments are welcome… but not there.
I have to admit that I didn’t want to talk with God about it, and in fact was successfully able to avoid it for about an hour using my couch and a pint of ice cream for breakfast. I was afraid He’d go in for the jugular, that somehow in that moment he’d stop being loving, gentle, and patient with me. So often, we are guilty of expecting God to react in a way that displays humanity, not perfection. But as Jonah learned, we can’t run forever, and I finally caved. I have to admit, I might have brattily stomped into God’s presence instead of entering His gates with thanksgiving, but I came to him.
So often, we are guilty of expecting God to react in a way that displays humanity, not perfection.
I brought the criticism before Him, knowing it was right, but knowing that it hurt me. I was suddenly so self-conscious, my insecurity boiling to the surface. I felt God look at me softly, more worried about my heart than my mistakes, like any good father. He only said one sentence. “You can’t live in humility where you walk in insecurity.” It seemed like an odd thing to say.
I started mulling it over, thinking about what humility was. He doesn’t give wrong answers, so if things don’t make sense, our perspective is what needs to change, not Him. I realized slowly that my insecurities had built high walls and fierce defenses. The places I needed healing the most were the places I had made myself untouchable. Hearing correction in humility would mean a teachable heart, an ability to see myself clearly, and no defensiveness. My insecurity was preventing any of those from occurring. Sometimes, I think our culture confuses humility and insecurity, but only one gives us the perspective to learn and grow.
“You can’t live in humility where you walk in insecurity.”
I am beginning the process of asking God to search my heart for the places of false humility and show me where I have made myself untouchable. I want to trade my insecurity for true humility. Making less of myself and more of God. When it’s about Him, there’s room for correction and change in my heart. When it’s about me, I sit on the couch with ice cream. The places I want his input least are the places I need it most, and if I’ll let him, He’ll envelop them with grace and take then from untouchable to touched by God. His touch humbles us, and in His arms we are secure.
- Where are the places you are untouchable due to insecurity?
- How do you think God would respond to your brokenness if you let Him into those places? Are you expecting humanity or perfection from Him?
- What would those areas of your life look like if they were restored and secure? What would be different about you?